Comestible Humor

"How was your day?" and Other Stupid Questions

Recently I was with some friends when I got a text message from a male suitor who I had no interest in. "How was your day?" it read.

"Ugh", I groaned. "I hate people who ask how your day was."

Now, most of my companions rolled their eyes at my absurd and typical bitchiness. But in my defense, this really is a pointless question, usually asked either for the sake of sheer politeness (which, as I've grown older, I've come to view as acceptable, especially in a business setting), or because the asker simply lacks any real social skills.

I mean, think about it. Anyone who knows anything about you and actually cares what your response is to whatever they might ask is going to be specific: "How was your date last night?" or "Did you take your client to that new restaurant" or "Is your boss being a psycho today?". I suppose "How are you" or "How was your day" COULD be a lead in question (again, especially as we get older and tend to be more civilized), but no one who is actually your friend is going to make that the reason for a text message. People who are in your life ask questions that actually pertain to your life.

More importantly, this question doesn't LEAD to anything. ESPECIALLY via text. The response will most likely be a one word answer, and leaves the asker with nothing to say but "oh". And there's tons of stupid questions with this same dynamic that people ask ALL the time:


"Where are you from?"

"Connecticut"

"Oh"

or

"What's your major?"

"Psychology"

"Oh" (Although I must say, "Oh" is much preferable to people voicing their stupid misconceptions about the field: "Oh, what am I thinking RIGHT NOW?", or "You're hanging out in a good place, we're all crazy here, haha". Ugh!)


Come on people! Don't you have ANYTHING interesting to say? I know we've all been told that asking questions is the key to being a good conversationalist, but first you need to actually HAVE conversation that is ABOUT something - preferably something that is interesting to both parties. I'm not opposed to starting conversations with questions on principal, but at least ask questions that are fun to answer and will actually spark a dialogue. Duh!

Seven Days of Sobriety

In an effort to improve the marathon-training process, I recently pledged to give up all recreational substances until the event. That's about two months. It was a bold move on my part, as I probably haven't gone two weeks without some form of chemical indulgence for about... Shit, are we counting weed? Because if we are, than I don't even wanna finish that sentence.

But anyhow, today marks the close of my seventh day; it's my one week mark! Do I get a chip? That would be nice. At least I would feel like I accomplished something.

The number seven tends to allude to things of interest: Dwarfs, Deadly Sins, Types of Ambiguity... days of CREATION. So "Seven Days of Sobriety" is anomalous in that way, but even that doesn't make it interesting. This weekend, I was the most boring person I've ever met. If anyone asks me about my weekend tomorrow, I will be embarrassed to answer. I wont even be able to answer; so devoid are the last two days of anything even remotely worth sharing.

It's funny; one might argue that I did quite a bit. I watched two movies, read a book, ran 22 miles, and tried a new restaurant (Grezzo is A-MA-ZING). I cleaned my room, I polished my jewelery, I got my nails done. I also answered a question that's been plaguing me for years: "Where do people find the time to do all this shit?" (see above). Clearly, time, and the motivation to do anything with it, is found in the absence of chemicals pulsing through one's system. Who would've thought?

But... who gives a shit if a life of productivity only exists within the confines of a social wasteland? And I don't even mean to imply that not drinking excludes me from socializing during the weekend (even though it kind of does). But not having anything interesting to talk about on Monday; no crazy stories or funny comments to quote... now that is antisocial.

I was expecting big things. A natural high at the very least. I'm giving it two more weeks. By then, if chemical abstinence does not feel amazing (isn't it supposed to? I actually felt like shit these past few days, but that might just be part of the detox process), and if I still feel like a fucking misfit; well, then, I'm going to have to give moderation a shot.

Shallow, Pretentious, Self-Serving

I wish that acronym spelled something; but the only thing SPSS might ever mean to anyone is a reference to that stupid computer program we used in the Psych department. Unless of course I coin it; but I don't think I really want to be known as Shallow, Pretentious, and Self-Serving. At least not chiefly. Although I think we all have a little SPSS in us, and there's no shame in it (should we add shameless to the title and make it SPSSS? I think not).

Anyway. I discovered a great new blog today, The Dark Horse, starring the thoughts/advice of Andrew Gates (husband of Erin Gates, whose blog, Elements of Style, I've been following for awhile now. They are my new favorite couple; check them out!). He literally just started this month (like me!) and one of his posts broached the issue of his blog's identity; and narrowing the focus. And I'm all like "Wait-- identity?? FOCUS?? ...No!" Most successful blogs (certainly the ones I like) do have an identity, and a focus, but it's so not me. Still, I thought I'd take a look and see if I'd accidentally planted a seed of identity here, just in case. I think you will agree that I did not. I have, however, been consistently SPSS (I could probably add Obnoxious in there and spell SPOSS, but I don't want to be too self-deprecating). I'm not quite confident enough in my character to claim SPSS as my theme; but I did want to throw it out there that I am not too SPSS to not realize that I am being SPSS.

***

Editors Note: It occurred to me after I posted this that SIPS is a way better acronym and kind of more accurate; since I am more Self-Indulgent than Self Serving. But I am also Lazy; so I will not edit this entire post. Especially not after I referenced my time spent in the Psych department. That shit's gotta be good for something.

Nip/Tuck

I haven't had plastic surgery yet because I don't need it. But as far as I'm concerned, it's inevitable. I once told a friend: "My biggest fear in life is not being able to afford Botox". And I meant it. Considering how cheap Botox is these days, this is not a fear to be ashamed of. It would mean I was really, really poor. But should I be ashamed of the fact that the thought of having wrinkles and not being able to do anything about them is completely horrifying? I think some people would say yes. I'm sure my mother would tout some nonsense about aging gracefully. But in this day and age, people are living so fucking long, and yet aging at the same rate. It's not right! Luckily; technology and medicine have evolved so that we can intervene and spend the same percentage of our lives looking decent as we did when we were dying at say, 40. So why wouldn't you do it? I think it's great. Don't get me wrong; you can't get through a gossip magazine without coming across an example of someone who went overboard under the knife; but this kind of proactive vanity is so underrated.


Now, you really can't go around saying that kind of shit without sounding like a douchebag. That's why I was so happy to stumble across this article Judith Newman wrote for Marie Claire. Inspired by her own recent liposuction, and the motives behind it ("I work for magazines, where the average editor's age is about 12 and getting younger - one day I expect to walk into a meeting full of fetuses - and where appearances clearly count.") Newman delves into the motives of others who have "had some work". A huge percentage of them were driven by a desire to succeed in the workplace. Facts, stats, and testimonials reveal that looks count where it counts - and they're well worth investing in. Studies show that physically attractive people tend to be more popular, more persuasive, and have greater self-esteem. Attractiveness has been linked to the likelihood of obtaining a job, obtaining a more prestigous job, and being hired at a higher salary.

Not being attractive (or at least feeling attractive) is as detrimental as being attractive is beneficial. A recent study reported that 67% of women ages 15-64 "withdraw from life engaging activities due to feeling badly about their looks." What activities, you ask? Among the "activities" listed are going to school, visiting the doctor, and speaking ones mind.

So if you can squash your self hate with a little help from a scalpel (and speak your mind without obsessing about your nose), what's the harm? I know I sound like a proponent of our looks obsessed culture. But everyone knows being fat and ugly sucks. Our culture is what it is. Maybe someday it will change; maybe you will change it. But it's a lot easier to change the size of your ass.

Adult Bathrooms

It occurred to me that I don't see nearly enough of them, based on my excitement by the one pictured above. Folded towels (that match the shower curtain!); clean countertops; bath mats! I am SUCH a slumdog.

Happy Valentine's Day!

I stole these pictures from the blog "Le Love" (where I clearly stole the title of my last post from as well). Enjoy!